


thoughtless

by maria_Magnolia



Category: random - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 05:17:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18804490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maria_Magnolia/pseuds/maria_Magnolia
Summary: witching hours





	1. 3:00

* * *

 

it's late and i've come to think that this will be my response to you whatever you'd say and when you're through. i've told me, that i don't want to be _so repeating_ to myself and everything thats happening around me, and i guess i do made these mistakes that might've saved time,words,tears and sorrow of mine only if I could've made better choices and decisionings.

I've been sitting in the shivering cold floors of the bathroom as dried out sweat covers me and the silence and drips of water embraces my ears, thinking to myself how am i such a fool to make these stupid ideas and arguements in my mind that will only later on be clouds of regrets lingering through my head all day and night. it's been hours since i started talking to myself, 'why' 'what is' and 'how', these questions repeatingly pops up in my brain simultaneously. I've been asking myself so much, stressing myself out in desperate to get answers on everything that i want to. I had an headache and filled the room in the echoes of me vomiting and banging my head right into the tile wall. I felt so disgusted in myself, for i am just not a horrible dirt right now and also being stupidly anxious about everything that left me distressed. I clenched my hands and cried out for all the pain digging right into my body at the same time to just be gone and get the fuck out of my life. I eventually stopped and tried to help myself to collect me up together. I went up to bed and blankly stared at the wallpaper covered wall, and ask myself " _how are you?"_. Not fine, I guess. Upto this moment i have realized, how am i. It's been way too long since i remembered those words coming out from me just to be asked and also answered by myself. And yes, how am i in this point of my life. i stared at my arms for some quite seconds and still see traces of _misery_ i've put myself through. I looked at the mirror and saw how awful those eyes were and how saddening the atmosphere i am into. i hugged myself tight in my own embrace hoping for the better. I don't want it back. i don't want to be 'that' again, i don't want to. For a moment, I felt scared of myself. ive feared myself from my own. _Can't anyone save me from me_. I was once trapped in my own monsters, and dealt with a lot of pain and heartbreaks made by a person named _me._ I just came up now to the thinking, that its okay. ive seek my own comfort to myself, and im fine with it. i have said to myself that ive gone through worse and the worst is yet to come, so i might just help myself up and be better and good in those times even if not in the best condition. Some self love and pity to myself. I love, and will always love me, though it might be hard to understand one's self, its _worth understanding_. It might seem that i don't want anything from other people, its so irritating of me to always insist on everything, its always a **'no'**. but doesn't mean that i don't need it too. I also seek some things that i _need_ in this life of mine, i dont want to be just a lifeless person that i am. She might look _difficult_ and so dense, but she has her own ways too and its not that hard for someone soft and sensitive hearted. Maybe everything does takes critical thinking and choices we'd make, but its what we need that ends up in our hands. It hurts me everytime I close my eyes, knowing that all that i have can be _'had'_ , that everything will be gone and temporary and that i'd end up again in the same old miserable me.

In all situations, i just have thought that i should live on, and believe more in the reality and faith of the good and not the world of negativities. I tried to wipe off my tears, im so sick of crying but i cant help not to everytime. I hope theres my rainbow in the end of my tears. i guess people just cant help things out, and need some time too and spacing their minds out upto the universe to get some air and refreshment. Ive put the blade down covered in slight rust and sheen cloth. Maybe hurting _isn't that bad_.

 

* * *

**_3:00_**  


	2. 6:00

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gold's fake and real love hurts.

* * *

 

The sound of coins rolling the kitchen floor rangs the silence inside the four-walled-room, so stupid. I bended my back and reach out to pick up my idiocy, and accidentally bump my head right into the kitchen table. I sat down having my hand rested in my head giving it a light pat easing the pressure. kneeling in the chilly floor my eyes squint and stopped for a moment. I just unintentionally hurt myself for these coins. But _, is pain really that much worth of value?_

Staring right into the money im having in my palm, i felt the sharp cold metal hitting my skin. Nothing like the icy breeze at midnight as the clock strikes 2. I remembered moments of me, laying down out of nowhere uptil' dawn just playfully looking at everything that my eyes can even manage to see. Being alone may be cold, but sometimes ive find the comfort in my own blankets and pillows as i snug myself in the night, while holding myself in a tight embrace, and _cry myself to sleep._ I clenched my hand and felt some dampness on my fingertips noticing its sweat from holding some metal while i spaced out without even knowing. I guess some things shouldnt be held that too long eh? I stood up and decided to go buy myself a lollipop in exchange to ease my boredom. I had a hard time removing the plastic covering from my lolly and got pissed. Or is it just my emotions that makes everything so irritable. As much as i want to taste the blist of sweetness is as much as peoples' desire to chase in the bright side of everything, or the sweet sweet love? Anyways, i got what i wanted and enjoyed my most priced possession as of now for i only have coins in my balance. tho life really sure is taking what we have to be so fulfilling at the moment until only we have _more._ life really is confusing, and yet full of problematic mazes and rollercoasters of emotions. Life really is a game, and we are players in this lifetime. And sure is everyone chases to grasp the  _sweetness_ of life and the wealth of diversity. I leave a smile and just sat down in the corner of our house filled in shadows and casts of the darkness. This is what i have i guess, what's more to value.

 

I reached my hand out and tried to slightly massage my head from the stupidity not so long ago, and still feel some pain. I've had my lolly, why am i still this way. I turned my body, and suddenly the coins once again dropped out of my pockets. and i just sat there, and said to myself- how could i pick up and accept indefinite value from everybody and still manage to do the same, to be  _repeating_ and roll things down all over again. Am i even _valuable._

* * *

                                    ** _6:00_**

 


End file.
